Lost Thoughts

Something Wicked This Way Comes...?

2006-07-04T00:44:00.000-07:00

"When shall we three meet again
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?"

Forgive me, I'm tired and this may come out muddled and stupid.

"Its happening again..." Jason woke me from my nap. It happened again...only not quite the same. Where the first time was golden light radiating as if from the heavens and a stillness that calmed a raging heart and hurried brain, this caused frenzied friction. It was the same calm before the storm...only a restless calm. Like something was coming. The sky lit up, almost came alive. Driving I felt as if I had tinted glasses on and every now and then checked to see if I had in fact put my glasses on without realizing it. But what was most surprising, was the people. All through the streets there were people, families, standing on their porches looking to the sky. They felt it. If they can feel it, to me it means something is growing. Something is coming closer. The veil is thinning.

As the sky was turning from a brilliant white, to a gold, to a pink, then red and purple. The could were electric blue then took on the purple tone of the clouds.

Sky 1
Sky 2
Sky 3
Sky 4

Out of the midst of this, we heard a loud sound. We turned to see a plane, flying much lower than I've ever seen a plane. Not in these pictures that the plane looks a distance off. But when you take a picture of a plane, it always looks farther away than it is. You can clearly make out this plane indicating how close it was.

Plane 1
Plane 2
Plane 3
Plane 4

And after the plane sped off I told my final look at the electrifying beauty before me:

Before the darkness

As I turned around I saw it. Nothing but pitch blackness. Like it was chasing the light across the sky trying to devour it. And from it came a booming that shook the ground I was standing on and the black was filled with bolts of lightening. As I went in and sat down a bolt struck the tree next to the house. Literally right outside the door. It didn't burn, but it smoked. I was standing there only moments before.

During this whole time I couldn't help but feel dizzy. Cameron told me that the earth was spinning faster than usual. I looked outside and marked it by the moon. I don't know if it was the turning of the earth or the frenzy in the air that made me dizzy. I seem to remember thinking in the beginning to hold on. So this is what I tried to do. I orient myself not by the house in sitting in, or the ground I'm standing on, but by the people in my life I'm linked to. I tried to reach out and it was like I reached interference. The frequency was being scrambled and interrupted. It made my head hurt the longer I tried to stay in that place I've gone to so many times and so easily. Like someone didn't want me to connect.

I don't know if I'm imagining half of this I'm just so tired at this point. Something was in that blackness.

2006-05-01T15:30:00.000-07:00

"I remember a world where the crash of ocean waves carries the voice of God,
the soft light of the moon is Her gift to us, and every living thing is my relative.
I remember a world in which the howl of a wolf, the flight of a raven,
and the sound of the wind through the trees have meanings too deep to tell.
I remember a world where dreams run deep, life runs slow, and eternity unfurls itself on a spiral.
I remember...
Because I have Ancient Memories.
Do you?"
I'm having a moment where I feel I'm living in shadow. Twice walking roads I've both been before and never seen. This circle is getting dizzying.

And the Lord said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand toward heaven, that there may be darkness over the land of Egypt, even darkness which may be felt

2006-04-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

"I want to know how it'll end.
I want to be sure of what it'll cost.
I want to strangle the stars for all they promised me.
I want you to call me on your drug phone.
I want to keep you alive so there is always the possibility of murder later.
I want to be there when you learn the cost of desire.
I want you to understand that my malevolence is just a way to win
I want the name of the ruiner.
I want matches in case I have to suddenly burn.
I want you to know that being kind is overrated.
I want to write my secret across your sky.
I want to watch you lose control.
I want to watch you lose.
I want to know exactly what it's going to take.
I want to see you insert yourself into glory.
I want your touches to scar me so I'll know where you've been.
I want you to watch when I go down in flames.
I want a list of atrocities done in your name.
I want to reach my hand into the dark and feel what reaches back.
I want to remember when my nightmares were clearer.
I want to be there when your hot black rage rips wide open.
I want to taste my own kind.
I want to be wrapped in cold wet sheets to see if it's different on this side.
I want you to come on strong.
I want to leave you out in the cold.
I want the exact same thing... but different.
I want some soft drugs.. some soft, soft drugs.
I want to throw you.
I want you to know I know.
I want to know if you read me.
I want to swing with my eyes shut and see what I hit.
I want to know just how much you hate me so I can predict what you'll do.
I want you to know the wounds are self-inflicted.
I want a controlling interest.
I want to be somewhere beautiful when I die.
I want to be your secret hater.
I want to stop destroying you but I can't.
And I want and I want...
And I will always be hungry..."

We all have that dark side to us, we all have anger, the need to destroy something beautiful. For some, that hunger is more than others. For some, its a thirst that can't be quenched. Cameron send me something he typed out at great agonizing lengths in an email to me about myself being prone to a dark nature. And I have to say that's true. Why is this? Why are some people so pulled to that side, to reach into the darkness and see what reaches back? Why does remembering some of the thoughts I posted above still make me quiver on the inside. Why is it so intoxicating? Why does it fill me with a strength, an excitement and a feeling of fulfillment like nothing else in life ever will? Its something I could never give into, because of the destruction that would follow. Knowing that I could bend the world and bring it to its knees if I let that power go yet have to hold it back is like killing part of yourself.

I learned awhile ago that this side of myself will never go away. Its part of me, its apart of me as much as everything good is. I need it like I need the air I breath. Yet the destruction it would bring there would be no going back from if it had the lead. And since its such a part of me I can't stuff it away or make it disappear. The only way is to nurture it, give it its moments, try to weave into something that doesn't kill. Integrate it into life in bits and pieces. But by the gods I'd love to get washed away in that beautiful darkness.

I feel that my power will never be as strong because I have to hold on to that. Every other draw seems to pale in comparison. That block I feel, that resistance, is because I have to hold part of myself back. That stutter, that filter it goes through, the half assed thing I do when I call upon and dance with the energies of this world is because I have to hold back. I will always seem to operate at half strength. A weak excuse for what I could be. I hate it. I hate feeling weak and like I'm failing, especially when there is just to much at steak. I hate knowing there is so much more to myself but I can't let it go for fear of what I might do or where I might go. I don't know how to fix this. I've learned to control it so I can live with it, but I don't know how to bring myself to full power without letting it go.

How do I fix this? I only know one other person who could understand, but he is now out of reach. He wouldn't help me in this unless it was to release. We danced together on the edge and looked over and stared the depths of that abyss in the eye and laughed. We'd crawl there in moments when faith was lacking just so we'd know we were still standing. I never had to fear that side with him. With him I could always be free and powerful. With him I knew I couldn't break him with the touch of my hand. But we would have also been swallowed up whole.

I am more than this.

Hide and Seek

2005-09-01T21:16:00.000-07:00

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just began to fall
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking, feeling
Spin me around again
And rub my eyes
This can't be happening
When busy streets
Amess with people
Would stop to hold
Their heads heavy
Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
All those years
They were here first
Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before
The takeover
The sweeping insensitivity of this still life
Hide and Seek
Trains and sewing machines (you won't catch me around here)
Blood and Tears
They were here first...

I love my sun glasses. They give everything this beautiful golden cast, almost as if everything is awash in sepia tones. Its as the world should be and how I see the world in my memories at times. Beautiful and golden, sunlight spilling like water from the sky washing my sins away. I can almost remember the beginning... The breath of life, the first concious though from which we woke from when we walked in the dream. I can still close my eyes and feel the quiet river rage. The heartbeat of the earth was steady, and pure and strong.

Many years have passed since those golden days, the wind is moving again, the current is turning. Can I keep up? Will the circle finally be complete? So short a time do we have, yet so much farther to go. What I would give to lay down my mantle for a moments peace. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.

T.S. Eliot

2005-06-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

If the lost word is lost, if the spent word is spent
If the unheard, unspoken
Word is unspoken, unheard;
Still is the unspoken word, the Word unheard
The Word without a word, the Word within
The world and for the world;
And the light shone in darkness and
Against the Word the unstilled world still whirled
About the Centre of the silent Word.

O my people, what have I done unto thee.
Where shall the word be found, where will the word
Resound? Not here, there is not enough silence
Not on the sea of on the islands, not
On the mainland, in the desert of the rain land,
For those who walk in darkness
Both in the day time and in the night time
The right time and the right place are not here
No place of grace for those who avoid the face
No time to rejoice for those who walk among noise
and deny the voice

Will the veiled sister pray for
Those who walk in darknesss, who chose thee and
oppose thee,
Those who are torn on the horn between season and
season, time and time, between
Hour and hour, word and word, power and power,
those who wait
In darkness? Will the veiled sister pray
For children at the gate
who will not go away and cannot pray:
Pray for those who chose and oppose

O my people, what have I done unto thee.

Not in Kansas Anymore...

2005-06-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

"There comes that mysterious meeting in life when someone acknowledges who we are and what we can be, igniting the circuits of our highest potential."
-Rusty Berkus

...are you awake?

Its not often you remember seeing something spectacular for the first time. Most of the things that fill you with wide eyed wonder touch you as a child and the memories are soon swept away by sensory overload and time. But last night, on June 19th, 2005 just before 9pm, I was made as a child again before the unyielding power that lives all around us day to day. There is a way that nature speaks, that the land speaks. Most of the time we are simply not patient enough to listen, quiet enough to pay attention to the story...

It was a warm day, a nice departure from the cold, windy rainy days that usually encompass our city. Jason and I were laying on the couch about to embark on a long journey courtesy of my Playstation 2. It was then the light caught my eye. It was coming through the blinds in sheets of gold, brighter than it was at any other time during the day. I didn't react right away as I felt caught up, partially with curiosity, partially with awe. It took a minute to realize this isn't normal, it was almost 9pm and the sun should be setting, not shining brighter than at noon. Jason and I both moved at the same time towards the door. Jason mumbled under his breath, "is something on fire?"

While there was no smoke, it did appear that the sky was on fire. Its odd to call the color of the sky and the light around us 'unnatural', as how can anything nature creates be 'unnatural'. But I don't know of any other way to described it. The sky was bright gold the light around us seemed fired with orange. Everything was still. Have you ever had a moment, when the silence becomes deafening? Where silence actually almost becomes a tangible thing you can feel, or rather its touching you?

"What's going on?" was the question Jason asked. I told him I didn't know. It was odd to speak. Our words felt weighted and measured. Have you ever wondered what the first words ever spoken sounded like? How they felt, how they hung in the air? I never thought about it until now either.

I looked to my right and I saw two rainbows in the sky. Perfectly crisp and clear stacked right on top of each other. I grabbed my phone and sent a message to Cameron to look at the sky. I hate more than anything see or experiencing something alone. Not that alone isn't nice its more the fact I don't like to wake up the next day and wonder if what I saw was a dream, and I'm crazy because no one can corroborate what I saw. I didn't know then if what I was seeing was a far reaching as my friend was. If it would look the same. If in the end I would have to resign myself to a self-plea of insanity yet again.

Mid-way through the conversation, I was staring at the two rainbows when the wind picked up. It smelled sweet, like summer. And in the middle of those two rainbows a bolt of lightening flickered. I could feel the static in the air. The hair on my ams stood up, and my body prickled with warning of an impending storm. That warning was short lived, with another flash of thunder and rumbling of lightening anything electric lost all power. Lights, TV, clocks, computer, and even my cellular signal. In the seconds it took me to take inventory of this, the sky and rolled in to a deep purple and black. No more rainbows.

Jason and I stood on our front porch for what seemed like an eternity. I was trying to count the time between lightening and thunder, but there was almost no space inbetween. Then the rain came. Pouring down with vengeance and beating the earth in a primal rhythm. It was like the world was trying to wake itself up, from the thunder in the sky, to the rain beating on the earth below. My heart was racing. The lightening was flashing all around. Not just in one direction, or one at a time. But it would flash both to the left and the right of me. I wondered where everyone was. Why were Jason and I the only people watching. I felt as if everyone should be on their doorsteps with their heads arched to the sky. They should have been out of there homes ten minutes ago with the sky was on fire and you could actually see the light in its eerie orange coat. I wanted to scream, "THIS MEANS SOMETHING, WHY AREN'T YOU WATCHING, WHY AREN'T YOU AWAKE!"

I don't know why, but this was the first time I've ever feared getting struck by lightening. It was just so close, and going off everywhere. I could feel it humming and buzzing, like I could reach out and touch it. The air was hot. It was raining, thundering and lightening, yet the thermometer never reached below 75 degrees. My body felt so alive. It was then that I realized what that silence felt like, when the world was covered in gold. It felt like those moments, that are always so fleeting. When everything stops and seems to comes together. Thats what it was, only this time, it wasn't fleeting. It lasted, and hung in the air. The time is drawing near.

I sleeped soundly last night. I left the window and the blinds wide open and started to drift off listening to the thunder. Then as suddenly as it appeared the rain, wind, and thundered stopped. The last thing I remember hearing before I faded away were the sounds of night coming back. A cricket here, a drunken cat call from the bar across the street, a police siren in the distance.

On the drive to work this morning I heard on the radio the weather man exclaim how a freak storm came out of nowhere. He seemed indignant. How dare the weather prove his forecast wrong. I say how dare he presume to be a master of the all powerful mother. Apparently a unexpected cyclone visited my neighborhood last night and it appears I was in the eye of the storm. Thus explaining the lightening I was viewing on all sides of me. They said that its extremely rare for our region to have these types of storms and they couldn't remember when it had happened before.

When I got to work I tried to look up pictures or reports from last night, but I could find nothing other than that brief radio broadcast on my way to work. Something happened last night. Whether it was the beginning, apex, or end of something I don't know. But I do know things like this will be happening again, and with more frequency as the time is drawing near. We must start preparing. We must not rely on the idea that we will just be ready when it happens. Talent alone won't bring victory. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

I have a feeling I'm the only person who felt this, who experienced this last night. If anyone reads this, this was real to me. I've tried to make it come alive as you read it so you perhaps to could see through my eyes. Was it just a storm or a cosmic, metaphysical call for awakening telling us 'now is the time'? Or perhaps it was just a storm. I'm sure time goes on I will begin to believe thats all it was. Even going so far as to convince myself. After all, I don't like thinking I'm crazy. But last night, when the cyclone hit, it sure didn't feel like I was in Kansas anymore...

EDIT:
PS. Tomorrow night is Summer Solstice, and not only is it a full moon, but the closest its ever been to the earth in ages. It should appear larger than life while in the sky. So keep looking up.

2005-06-16T15:19:00.000-07:00

'what will be the sign of the end of the ages?'

"Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will try. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places with increase frequency. All these are the beginning of birth pains. From the four winds you shall be gathered back to the source for as light is visible in the east, so is it in the west."

-Matthew

Earthquakes everywhere. In California and other places in the world. California had a 6.0 three or four weeks ago. Earlier this week they had a 5.0 and then two days ago they had a 7.4 in Southern California. Then in Northern California they had a just had a 5.4. All of this has triggered tsunami warnings up and down the coast as well as in Asia. Scientist say they've never seen such a cluster of unrelated quakes like this before. By unrelated I mean none of the following earthquakes after the first one have been after shocks, they are there own seperate quake.

They say these earthquakes are expected to continue moving North.

I've only ever experienced one earthquake. The one during spring break 10 years or so ago. I found the feeling rather thrilling. You can feel the earth start to bunch up, sending out tiny little vibrations before it actually moves and releases its pent up kinetic energy into rolling waves.

When I was a little kid and was told to believe in God, I always pictured him as a petulant child angry because he didn't get his way and he would pick up the earth and shake it or squeeze it. Quite rude, I thought. I don't remember where I got that idea, probably my brother. Back then, there wasn't anything he said that wasn't true.

Sedona

2005-06-07T16:01:00.000-07:00

I went to sleep thinking about this place...

Upon arriving to work I played with google

The distance from Portland, Oregon to Sedona, Arizona is approximately 932.5 miles (1500.6 km)

Early Native Americans considered the Red Rocks sacred and traveled from afar to perform ceremonies among the sublime formations. Only the bravest chiefs and medicine men were allowed in to what was considered to be home to the gods. Cathedral Rock was honored as the birthplace of the first man and woman. Even today you can see the first woman and man standing back to back in the formation.

The native legend related to Cathedral Rock tells us that the first man and woman argued all day and all night. She said that he never helped out around the cave and that he would never listen to her. He complained that she nagged at him all day long and never seemed to appreciate the game he hunted. When they finally appealed to the gods for a solution they were placed back to back, but together, so they would each retain their own vision and direction.

Vortex sites are enhanced energy locations that facilitate prayer, meditation, mind/body healing, and exploring your relationship with your Soul and the divine. They are neither electric nor magnetic (although these words are often used to describe the vortexes, along with the other nomenclature such as masculine or feminine sites). The explanation for vortexes lies more at the boundaries of known science, rather than in electromagnetic descriptions or gender related labels.

Sedona is also internationally known for the uplifting power of it's Vortex meditation sites. Two aspects of those sites make Sedona truly special. First within a very small geographical radius you can easily access all the different types of vortexes (upflow/masculine/electric, inflow/feminine/magnetic, or combination /electromagnetic, etc.) Second, the Vortex sites are interwoven with the real world of a growing city.

I also found trail maps, were anyone in need of traversing the trails, possibly up to Cathedral Rock through the Red Rocks and Red Rock Crossing.

http://www.pr.state.az.us/Parks/parkhtml/redrocktrails.html

http://www.pr.state.az.us/Images/parkmaps/redrock.pdf

I must say, it is quite beautiful.

Here is a painting of Red Rock Crossing:

Here is an actual picture, the resemblance is quite remarkable to me. The spot must have left an impression on the artist as the person who took this photograph isn't the same as the person who did the above painting.

I have to admit it is quite breath taking:

2005-06-06T22:04:00.000-07:00

I have made this for Cameron.
As he lets me into his inner-thoughts
It is only fair I let him into mine...

...then I remember I've never been completely prone to fairness
yet I am prone to loving him there for I must comply.

I had a dream last night.

One of those very real dreams, yet very surreal dreams where you may actually have to try to look for symbolism in what seems very real then later in the day you look at what you dreamt and convince yourself you're silly, it was all a dream and means nothing.

I was in a city, a random normal city and I look up and see a satellite fall from the sky. It meets the earth a ways off in a burst of fire and smoke. Some see it, some do not.

I race to find it and the hole it created on impact and find...people, bad people, convincing those around that there was nothing to see. I pretend to be among the sheep and agree as the people are menacing.

Then, I look up as another satellite falls. Only this time I don't ignore it. I have to find someone now. An old woman. I make plans with those who see with me and I find her and must escape as the bad people are anticipating my every move. The only way to get away is to stop thinking. To stop thinking in the way I've been taught. I'm racing through the forest with the bad people following me. I have a destination I must reach only I don't know where it is or what I will find there. I look to make sure the old woman is still follow ing. I realize the old woman is dead. She died a ways back, only I'm just now noticing...

....then the sun gets brighter and I wake up.

sometimes I think it would be easier to not dream.